


kuroSHITsuji ii electric boobaloo

by superpear8



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Blood and Gore, Gen, Sexual implications, but nothing explicit, help me, shitpost, what the fuck is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-07-28 10:52:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7637302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superpear8/pseuds/superpear8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>help i’m watching black butler for the first time in 2016 and i couldn’t handle season 2! what happens next will shock you</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ciel needs help

**Author's Note:**

> you may NOTICE, that some of this makes no sense. if i had an explanation, it’d go here. what these are is just weird little drabbles (is that the word? help) & stale memes i wrote up while watching (and reflecting on) kuroshitsuji ii and trying not to go insane because of how horrible a time i was having i’m sorry to anyone who liked it no offense i just did not like it didn’t think it was a good substitute for what the manga has to offer and while it has its moments, i’m generally just glad it isn’t canon. right? it’s not canon right? ? anyways thanks for reading um yeah! buckle up or.. something :) please don’t read this mom

“the fuck kinda shabby piece of shit lets a fuckin spider LIVE”

claude gasps, offended. “earl phantomhive, such an opinion is not welcome in this household!!”

ciel doesn’t notice. “sebastian let’s leave you know i hate spiders more than i hate myself even”

sebastian’s mouth quirks up in one of his creepy ass smiles. “yes, my lord”

ciel turns on his heel and marches out of the threshold, butler dutifully at his heels. sebastian turns around and gives claude a two-eyed wink. 

_did you just … are you trying to… wink at me?_ claude thinks as his left  eyebrow raises slightly. 

sebastian flicks some spider shit off his shoulder, glancing once more at the strange bespectacled man, thinking:  _yes, i did. i wink with both my eyes._

_that’s just blinking_

_NO, it’s_

* * *

 “o—oh god… what the hell is happening to me this is the third time today” ciel looks around the lavishly furnished entrance hall, vision swimming and stomach churning violently. his ears are full of a loud, piercing ringing and he scarcely notices when he tilts backwards into sebastian and clutches at him like a lifeline.

he scarcely notices, but indeed he does notice after a critical moment in which he has displayed weakness in front of the demon. he extracts himself from sebastian’s protective embrace and regains his balance more than a little unsteadily.


	2. alois is a pic e of basura

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has some rapey shit in it. like, not explicit. you could argue that they are doing nothing of the sort. tihs is wehre that one tag up there comes in. i dont condone this stuff. in any case - be warned! skip this if it makes you uncomfortable! thank u! this thing isn't like coherent and doesn't have a coherent plot so there's no harm in skipping it :) thank u for reading this awful monstrosity

ciel’s beginning to maybe enjoy himself a little. yeah he feels uncomfortable, but when has that ever stopped him before! it’s with this thought that he crashes into a blue-clad figure holding a tray of wine. the wine is red, he notices now. it is hard to not notice it when it is in fact now covering the entire right side of his costume’s front, and dripping.

“oh! i am so terribly sorry, sir, i didn’t see you there!” the tray-carrier exclaims. 

“it’s nothing, don’t worry about it” ciel says politely.

"i must get you a new jacket. please, follow me.”  implores the blond in the apron.

ciel ponders this. he doesn’t have parents to tell him not to talk to strangers, so he sees nothing wrong with this situation. “ok, thank you very much, lead the way miss”

they take a few hallways and staircases and soon ciel is completely turned around. he’s even more disoriented by the fact that his vision continues to swim every so often as if he was having some kind of breakdown or something. what’s up with that

lost alone in a mansion with a person he doesn’t know, ciel continues to see nothing wrong with this situation. “so where did you say we were going again?”

the blond finally turns around to face him, this time with a disturbing smile and an equally disturbing tongue waggle. “i didn’t!!” at this the maid dress comes flying off, revealing a completely naked alois tracy. the boy then tears off ciel’s pants and—

the eyepatch practically whizzes off ciel's face. “SEBASTIAN, COME!!!”

in the painstaking twelve seconds it takes sebastian to locate him, ciel will not admit that he shed a tear or two. never in his life.

“what the hell is going on here you motherfuckers!!!”

“sebastian, stop him!” ciel is definitely crying now, fuck.

“at once.” after a brief (very brief) struggle, the blond is torn from his unsuspecting victim more violently than strictly necessary; and as if he’d been following sebastian this whole time, the other butler™ skids down the hall and grabs a hold of his young master.

“claude!” said young master exclaims.

“aloi—i mean!! your majesty, what is happening here? why are you in your birthday suit?!”

“i was just giving ciel phantomhive a warm welcome is all” the boy exclaims cheerfully, happening to glance over at—no one!

“ _where is ciel_?!?!!?!” he roars, red-faced and ready to throw down.

ciel is already the fuck out of there at that point, pants on and also equally ready to throw down, though decidedly more scarred for life than the other party.

“sebastian, i think that might not have been a maid!”

“oh?” sebastian says, mouth quirking. “then who, pray tell, may it have been?”

ciel looks a little dead inside. “the master of this house, alois tracy. of course. he even had his name tattooed on his chest. what do you take me for”

sebastian is saved having to answer that dangerous question by the sudden appearance of alois riding on claude’s back, both of them moving at a terrifying speed towards the fleeing duo.

“you won’t escape me, ciel! i’ve waited a long time to meet you! i mean it! it’s been like two weeks, god dammit!”

ciel groans. “sebastian, you think you can get rid of them?”

“i’m afraid this may be a little out of my depth at the moment. though i do understand the sentiment.”

“hmm…” ciel quickly formulates a plan. “this is what’s going to happen, and it is an _order_ : …"

—

“—and i said, ‘girl, i trusted you! i trusted you and you spat in my mouth!’ and she was having none of that, i say, she says to me , she says ‘and i’ll spit in it a thousand more times if that’s what it takes!’ … true story, by the way, this actually happened—”

ciel knows this is the smartest thing he could be doing in this situation, he really does. he hates being smart sometimes. at the current moment, it is because his calculations have led to no better solution than to be accompanied by the strange indian prince and his butler. he isn't trying to have another incident, and without sebastian ciel doesn’t quite feel … safe in this place. it's weird. but hanging out with the prince, he almost feels like he's among .. friends...

~::~

Fortunately, by the time Alois rips the wig off and puts his tongue up the side of Ciel’s ear, Sebastian is already lying in wait for the order to make this madness stop. Ciel can feel Alois lapping up his earwax and it seriously skeeves him out.  _Just what does this fucker want from me anyway?_  A whisper of some dark emo bullshit from the taller boy is the last goddamn straw.

“Sebastian!” Ciel whisper-shouts hoarsely, strategically ignoring the fact that his voice is several octaves higher than normal.

“Who are you talking to, little boy?  _I’m_  the only one here…” Alois mutters into Ciel’s ear. “I want to have you… possess you… tonight will you let me in…?"

Said little boy cringes. At the same time, his demon butler shoots past like an arrow and grapples onto him like a bird of prey. Ciel has never been gladder to see him in his entire young life.

“Get me out of here!” Ciel demands, both eyes bare and wide in terror. He feels sick. Sweat sticks hair to forehead and shirt to back.

“At once, young master.” Sebastian replies, intense disdain evident in his voice and facial expression.

In the copse behind them, Alois seethes. “ _Claude!_ Go after them! Get me Ciel Phantomhive, or there will be consequences!”

Claude is crouching in a nearby tree. He sets off immediately, not because he fears his master’s threats, but because he fears reneging on their contract. His hand itches where the pentagram sits on his skin like a reminder that _this_ was his life now.

Ciel swallows heavily. He tastes bile in his mouth from when he spilled his guts earlier in the cellar. Powering through the pervading sick feeling that clings to him like a spiderweb, he addresses Sebastian once more.

“I want Alois Tracy dead, and I want him dead tonight. Is that clear?”

Sebastian’s mouth twists into a mock-sweet smile. “Of course, my lord."

~::~

[From “Forunately,” to “normal.” aka the ear thing, (#puke) — ]

“Who’s Sebastian?” Alois says with a frown. “I’m the only one for you now, Phantomhive. I’m gonna  _have_  you no matter wh—“

“Excuse me.”

Ciel is ripped from Alois in an instant and put behind the barrier of a familiar broad back.

“Excuse you!” Alois peers around Sebastian to leer at Ciel. “He’s mine, I tell you! CLAUDE!”

“You rang” Claude is there.

“Get me that boy!”

“Yes your majesty.” Claude says.

“Sebastian, kill Alois Trancy.” Ciel whispers.

Sebastian nods. “Yes my lord."

there is a battle between the two. who wins? who’s next? you decide! [a/n: I’m wiped the fuck out lol fangs 4 redding!!!11]


	3. ciel has amnesia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> also stabby stab blood. that happens too

as soon as he gets back to his manor, ciel notices something is definitely wrong.

“okay either i had a crazy growth spurt in the past week or? i don’t even know what” his legs don't hang nearly as childlike off the edge of his bed as he remembers. ciel looks around the room. “sebastian?”

sebastian appears. thank god he was right in the corner watching paint dry or whatever the hell “yes my lord?”

“how tall am i?”

a flash of something, then, materializes on sebastian’s face. it is gone behind the pokerface in an instant, too quickly to judge its nature, but ciel is certain he saw it. “pardon?”

“how tall am i?”  _did i fucking stutter_?

“well, let’s see…” sebastian zooms off for a moment and appears with a tape measure in his hand.

“look” ciel looks. he’s 150 cm tall. “ha ha you’re a baby”

“shut your fucking trap sebastian this is serious.” sebastian is still laughing but is trying valiantly to hide it. ciel chooses to ignore this in favor of addressing the problem at hand.

“since when am i that tall? last time i remember i was at least like 5 cm shorter!”

“you ARE a growing boy, young master”

“oh my  _god_  sebastian  _stop_  for a minute.. this is weird!! why wou—“ ciel wavers, clapping a hand over his mouth. his vision blurs like it had in the tracy manor. he’s on the floor by the time it begins to subside. the first thing he sees is sebastian’s face. ciel groans internally.  _ugh why as if i need the extreme closeup honestly_

there’s something in the twist of his eyebrows, though, that ciel cannot ignore. he’s only kinda conscious, so maybe he’s imagining it, but sebastian looks really actually worried?  _what the hell??_

it’s a minute before ciel realizes sebastian is saying something to him. the same something, in fact, repeatedly.

“young master!” 

"young master!!”

"young master!!!”

“…uughh…” ciel tries to get up, lolling his head around embarrassingly in the process. “stop it with the exclamation points…sebastian”

that look hasn’t quite escaped the butler though, and it has ciel worried. just what the hell is sebastian hiding from him??

~::~

“Just give up already, fool! You know you can’t beat me!” Ciel spits.

Alois remains firm in his conviction. “Over my dead body!"

Lightning courses through Ciel's veins. Blood pounds out of the wound on his palm. He turns his eye towards the pitiful wreck clinging to his clothes and pants:

“So be it."

Adrenaline gives Ciel the strength he needs to plunge his sword up the other boy's soft palette, killing him instantly. He has won. The earl lets his defeated opponent drop unceremoniously to the floor in a slap of blood. He straightens up and paces out of the hall in search of his butler. 

Somehow, it doesn’t feel like winning at all.


	4. its over.. isn't it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> horrible

Hana emerges from the lake like something out of a horror movie, sopping wet hair covering her face and hunched back. Under her arm is the limp figure of Ciel. Sebastian can only stare as she floats in eerie silence to the boat in which he is waiting.

“What have you done…” he murmurs quietly. She deposits the drowned boy onto one of the rowboat’s seats. The demon trio row them to shore in what could have been an eternity for how long it feels. The boy isn’t dead, but it almost seems like…

“OH MY GOD WHAHTH TFUCK IS—“ Ciel sits up in a panic, unaware of his surroundings. He sucks in air and is confused. “I’m not… drowning.”

“Young master.”

Ciel sees Sebastian. “Sebastian! Wh…” he looks around some more. 

“What the hell am I doing on this boat again, I thought we already— wait a minute.” 

He sees Hana and the three amigos. 

“Oh no. Oh no no no no. Oh god. I thought that was a dream. That was real? That shit really happened?” His eyes are wide. He clutches Sebastian’s shoulders and shakes them, looking up at him in distress.

“Is the seal still there, Sebastian? Is the contract still there?”

Sebastian sees the purple ring and pentagram still inscribed on Ciel’s eyeball. “Yes, my lord.” But…

“You’re a demon now Ciel” Hana says. She’s running her hand through the water. This shit makes no sense. How could it end like thi

“Umm…” Ciel looks from Hana to Sebastian, and back. “Excuse me? Did some shady deal go on behind my back or something?” _Man I really need to stop passing out for these things..._

“ _I_ did not go behind your back this time, sir.” Sebastian responds politely. “Hana here and her… contractee… have requested the transformation."

Ciel chokes a little. “UM, but that means _LAST_ TIME, _you_ — "

“You might be wondering how this is possible?” Hana interrupts. She looks bored out of her mind.

“Well, I suppose so, among _other things…_ ”

“The process is actually simple!” Sebastian points out cheerfully. He loves explaining. “First, the—“

“Will you shut up!” Hana now looks more ired than tired. “God! Now, what I was going to say was—“

“—probably too inflammatory for the young master’s ears. I cannot in good conscience allow him to be subjected to such language! As his butler, I am responsible for—“

“—nothing!! Absolutely nothing! I don’t know how that godforsaken contract is still in place, given how blasé both of you fuckers have been about the terms you set down, but I’M the one who—“

“—needs to stop it with this gag!” Ciel interjects, shaking his head furiously. “I don’t even care anymore! I’m a demon now, so what? Not like anything else in my life makes any bleeding sense!”

With that, the boy rises to his feet and dives off the side of the boat. Sebastian catches him around the middle before he goes sleeping with the fishes and hauls him back on board.

~::~

Hana’s glowing eyes fix Ciel in place. She speaks. “You’re a demon, Ciel.”

After a few stunned seconds, he responds. “I’m a _what_?”

“A demon, Ciel.”

“A demon?”

“Yes, Ciel.” She sighs. “You’re a demon."

“No, I’m not. I’m… just Ciel.”

“Well,‘ _Just Ciel’_  . You’re a demon!”

“But I’m just Ciel!”

“No!!, 'Just Ciel,’ you ARE a Demon!”

“Listen here Hana! I’m just Ciel!”

“NO! Ciel, you are a DEMON.”

~::~

“Ciel, this music…” Lizzy is grimacing. “It’s creepy…”

Ciel sweats. “Uhh!! -hH!” He makes a slicing motion across his throat. Across the room, Sebastian kills the record player. "Well, you know what’s always good and _not_ creepy?!? ..Cake!!”

“Ciel…”

“Hmm? WhAt is it Lizzy?” his voice definitelydoesn’t crack.

“You’re acting really weird…”

“What are you talking about I always act this way there is absolutely no reason for alarm, and DEFINItely no reason to THINK that I, CIEL, PHANTOMHIVE, have been Magically Transformed,,, into,… a DEMON????!!! I ALWAYS ACT THIS WA??Y?”

Lizzy raises an eyebrow. “Like I said. Weird.”

Ciel is really sweaty now. “S-Sebastian!! Help!!” he whisper-shouts.

“Ah.” Sebastian glides across the room with the utmost grace. “I must apologize on the behalf of the young master. You see, when a boy reaches a certain age, strange things begin to happen to his—“

“OH!” Lizzy interjects. "I get it now.” She smiles knowingly at Ciel, who looks about 10x as sweaty as he did before he called his butler over. “Puberty can be nasty, I know. I’m sorry I judged you. We can go do something else if you don’t want to dance.”

Ciel’s violent perspiration is replaced by a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Lizzy.” _Whew._

“Do you think she bought it?” Ciel whispers to Sebastian as they exit the room.

“Honestly? Probably not.” Sebastian never lies. “But I lampshaded it with all that puberty talk, so it should be fine.”

“See, the thing about that is…” Ciel looks shifty. “What exactly IS puberty?"

~::~

“So,” Ciel smirks, “how’s it feel to be my eternal servant?"

“You’re not the _worst_ person to play butler to. Plus, I can do THIS:”

Sebastian picks Ciel up from the carriage doorstep and spins him around.

“AAAAGH! What the FUCK! You think I missed that shit the first time you did it, asshole??!” Ciel rages while being set down, face steaming in embarrassment. There are people around! People on the street! Staring! Laughing! Sebastian is laughing!

“No, no,” his butler says, “it’s just too good to not do it multiple times. Forgive me.”

The small earl turns around grumbling. He stomps away, cane in hand. Sebastian follows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's all i have lol  
> i mean maybe i;;ll writ emore garbage in the future. dont bank on it though  
> thank you so much for reading!!! have a nice day. hopefully this steaming pile didn't ruin it. ...have a good one!!! :D

**Author's Note:**

> i feel like i should've written more soma and agni, beacuse, i love them,, but i didn't want to make them doodlebobs of themselves,, and also kuroshitsuji ii didn't feature them too much,, which made me dissappointed. im so so happy they keep coming back in the manga soma is probably like.. atl east my 2nd fave. i love him


End file.
